BLAME IT ON THE 'MAN'

been here plenty of times before. asking friends for advice that i will not use, asking God for guidance that i will choose to ignore, calling my mother and rambling on despite her sighs of exasperation that can clearly be translated to " where did i go wrong", to finally calling one of my sisters just because i need one more extra set of ears to listen to my painstakingly easy to solve "man problem". I must share a conversation that REVOLUTIONIZED my perspective, in-fact the self awareness/light/aah-moment/great big heavy hard smack across the face could not be missed. Here is the summarized version:

man= certified A-HOLE

me-the woman= certified bad choice maker.

man says to me: 

  white women are easier to date

me: why?

man: because they are easier to get rid of

me: what do you mean

man: well, black women have this maternal caring complex, they just don't get it

me: so what are you trying to say

man: that ....i'm an asshole to you, if you knew better you wouldn't be here right now

and yes folks, it hadn't sunk in just yet..i continued to sit there..

man: no, like, i think you are the type of woman who knows you can get any man she wants, but you keep coming back to me because its not so easy with me, i can be an asshole and you like it. Girl, you aren't going anywhere. 

translation: i keep you on reserve, conditioned to my hot & cold, and you don't respect/love yourself to know better

me: yes i can get any man i want (like really/duh?) but i do keep coming back to you..

man: yes because with me you can't really ever have me.....

.......that was actually almost word for word our conversation

why do i still do back? the million dollar question that has haunted me for the last couple of days, his reasoning, is so off it couldn't even see the truth if it stood right directly in front of it...so WHY?

.....because i/we as woman and men even, just simply get stuck in making consciously bad/unhealthy/not self serving choices. He has no really power, great mental, physical, emotional impact or affect in my life, NOT REALLY  anyway, but i continue to deprive myself of making healthy choices that DEMAND relationships (romantic) or otherwise that truly and profoundly are beautiful, nurturing, and simply hella dope. it you are going to be a complete self serving, confused, slightly delusional prick, at least have the decency to be dripping of swagg-goo( tehehe, i just really want to use that line).

point been, today I....and small i and YOU and small you need to make CHOICES that are nurturing- finiancially ( yes i said it), spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

ya dig?

fambul dem this is how we do...