Freetown Chronicles II: Lust & Love.

A friend gave me an advice when I first arrived to Freetown. His deep set eyes looked into mine as he quite sternly said, “don’t date for at least 6 months, trust me, you need that time to see who is who and what is what.” Of course as it often goes with advice that we know stems from wisdom unbeknown to us, it went right out the window. What that meant was, 6 months later found me in the folds of my cousin’s arms, sobbing or been rather dramatic about some man who had ever so dramatically broken my “heart”. “I really thought we connected,” I relayed to my cousin in a matter of fact manner. My cousin sympathetic but rather unmoved if not bored altogether, simple patted my back and said, “na so den tan na ya”. I have heard this phrase one to often “na so den tan na ya”, this is how they are. One, according to many women I speak with, cannot trust any (been the men of Sierra-Leone) of them; therefore go in protecting yourself, fully. I am still attempting to grapple with that ideology, because what on earth is the point of it all then?  Is the deceit, misrepresentation, gross and continuous dishonesty simply a Sierra-Leonean Phenomenon? Is it an African thing? or is it a universal pandemic only manifested differently based on context. Do African men truly operate differently?

According to my mother, I must first and foremost make myself scarce in the country, difficult to get a hold of, unattainable, cold and ensure that the claim to my heart is a painstakingly long process, which according to her, will secure the respect and adoration of my suitor. According to others, keep the boundaries, make them sweat, let the man know from the onset that it is all about ensuring that you (the woman) is materially comfortable. The basis for that argument, he is going to hurt you anyway, might as well ensure that you get something out of it. For others, you are young, have fun, be discrete it will work itself out. And according to a married male friend of mine, only date married men, you’ll know it’s you and the wife only. With single men in this country, it’s you, them and Aminata, Miatta, Mariama, Sarata, Adama, Jane and the lot of them. As I listen to advice, suggestions, stories of hurt and stories of love and lust from all angles, I feel overwhelmed and overly cautious all at once.  

To be fair, men have it just as hard. This point was further highlighted when a good friend of mine called me a couple of months ago and asked if I could just listen to him over the phone, he was alone, lonely and tired of changing women. He wanted a good woman, a partner, someone to share his bed, permanently. I was surprised by his call, especially because he was a notorious ladies man to say the least. I also dated a young handsome man who was incapable to committing for fear of being left if he gave too much, he too had been hurt. The consensus, from men, most Sierra-Leonean women tend to be dishonest, money hungry, too easy, too accessible, too complicated and too conflicting to deal with. According to men, they didn’t have it easier either.

This leads me to ponder about our familial structure. As a society, we are conservative and traditional.  Responsibility is measured by ticking the following boxes:

-          secure job

-          married

-          at least one child

-          at least owning a home/or renting a nice one

-          one car

-          adhering to some religious belief

-          a sense of coherence and fulfilled familial obligations.

I have come to quickly learn that all of those checked boxes above mean very little when the following are not fully developed and understood in the psyche’s of the individual’s that make up the couple:

-       self love

-       sense of self

-       honesty

-       communication

-       team work

-       non-conformity

-       and again…strong communication

-       dedication, compromise and fully acceptance of one’s partner.

From my recent experiences, many married couples or people in short or long term relationships are not truly happy. It is however easier to be with someone it seems than without. It is easier to cheat and live a double life with someone that come clean about your kinks, your insecurities, your worries, your fetishes, and all the not so good stuff. Most people have secret lovers, or five concurrent relationships or at least one love buddy, and almost no-one in this country is single, yes my ‘Just Cams’(JC’s), believe it or not, it is true.

Despite it all, I remain hopeful. Not all men or all women fall into that category of typical, complicated, messy, emotionally destructive or unavailable in this country. Like anywhere else in the world, like everything that timing and faith teaches us, when the right one for you comes along, the right one for you will stay and choose to build a life with you. That being said, one must do the work on self in order to attract a partner that will enhance their spiritual, emotional and physical being whether it be in a healthy lustful relationship or a healthy love-filled relationship. We live full lives, yes, our lives are much fuller than we realize. A moment to breathe, look around and be still with self must be taken. The blessing is being able to share that full life with someone else…..i suppose that's what love is, a blessing and peace within self that can be sustainably shared.

Fambul dem this is how we do...