FRAGIL THINGS

"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again". Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

-A Post by Phury- {check her blog here}

I am amused. So fucking amused i could take a knife and start to slash off male genitals. So amused i could go on a killing rampage and murder every single guy on the face of the earth, then proceed to soak their bodies in acid so that there are no traces of them left. That is how amused i am right now and this post is from my heart-my fucking heart. I've kept it in for so long but i know its time i just let this thing out. This thing that has kept my chest so squeezed tight that i could hardly breathe. This feeling of shame, pain, betrayal and anger. Yes, I am certainly amused. Can you not tell?

I tried. God knows i tried to have a no-relationship-sex. Everyone was doing it and didn't have to clean out cobwebs. So i thought, it can't be all that bad now can it? But it was just a thought. Deep inside me i knew i could never be one of those people. Oh how i envied them. They were horny, they had sex. Shikina. No complications. No stories. And then you had to come and fuck it all up. I was minding my own damn business before you brought your retarded friend into my life. Not once did you tell me not to get involved with this dude. Do you know what it means to call someone your friend? That means you don't set things in motion that you know might end up hurting them. No, You don't do that.

He wasn't good looking, skinny as fuck if i may add, but there was an attraction. The kind that grows when you see the same face everyday for months. Thinking about it now, I wonder what i saw in him. His dress sense was weird and childish, and he couldn't dance to save his life. But what did that matter at that time. I started liking him and the first time we kissed wasn't bad. All he ever talked about was how he wanted to get married because he was lonely. I didn't wanna hear that. I was horny, and needed to convince my conscience that it was okay to engage in this immoral behaviour already being acted out by my brain.

I wanted sex. I didn't wanna be in a fucking relationship. I didn't want affection. I didn't ask for coupling and i sure as hell didn't ask for love. LOVE. oh my days!!! How did it come to that? You tried to repair me. I'd been hurt in the past and you wanted me to believe that it was okay to trust again. You were gentle with me. Smiling all the time. I remember telling you that i may have to call Katt Williams to help me figure out what it was about me that kept attracting 'aint shit' niggers. Katt fucking Williams. You laughed. Said i was being silly. Feigned being offended at being labeled an aint shit nigga. But Lord in heaven, how was i to know that you had won an Oscars three times in a row for best actor in a life series. No one told me. You were that good at lying. Smooth, like a strawberry milkshake.

So we started dating. Or at least i thought we were. Wasn't that what you always wanted anyway? A relationship. You convinced me it was better than being fuck buddies. I felt suffocated. Like i was being tricked into doing something. Let yourself go Phury. Learn to appreciate those who care about you. Open up yourself to love again. I promise I won't break your heart. Its you i wanna be with. How many times had i heard that in the past? They always left-but yet-here you were promising me the moon and the stars. So i fell in love with you. I fell hard. I fell stupidly. And i fell whole heartedly in love with you. I thought about you when i woke up and when i ate. I wanted to hear your voice and BBM you all the time. Still I didn't. But i wanted to. When we made love it wasn't like in my dreams. It was awkward and i talked a lot. Strange. I never talk during sex. But it was a new experience. How many long walks did we take? How many times did you read a Christine Feehan book to me? Didn't you go to church with me most Sundays, even when you knew i preferred the 6am mass? It was bliss.

They say there was a glow to my face even tho my siblings couldn't understand what i saw in you. No one could. I didn't care. I was happy. The world felt good. Then just like that you vanished. I didn't hear from you in over a month? I'm in shock and my heart beats fast every time, robbing me of breath. I don't delete you from my BBM even though it hurts to see your notifications. My friends come over to visit and your name crops up. You are seeing someone they say. As in you have a damn girlfriend. There are pictures to prove it. Trips to Dubai and Singapore. Her head on your chest while you lie by the pool side. Places you said we would visit. Things we should have done. I start to laugh hysterically. Are you insane? Why did you have to come into my life and make all those promises of love? Promises that all the others before you made. 

Two days later you call me like nothing happened. Then you come to see me. Would i like to have lunch? Sorry you haven't been in touch-You've just been going through the motions. Wow! I feel like a girl who was left at the altar. I'm hurt but i don't let it show. I begin to understand that i have a big stupid sign on my forehead. I tell you I'm busy with a lot of things. I try to smile, ask you about work and your sister. Its almost 7pm and i tell you i have to go jogging. You wanna wait for me like you usually do. But usually don't cut it no more. I ask you to leave. But you wanna know what's wrong. I've been acting weird since you got here. I smile. Do you have a girlfriend? You gasp:yes you say, but she's staring at me at the moment. I'm too tired to get upset or throw a tantrum. I show you the pictures of the trip you took the month I didn't hear from you. I can see the battle on your face to come up with some explanation. Let yourself out i say, as i pull my earphones over my head. As i jog out into the street, Snow Patrol's chasing cars plays through my music player, and that's when I allow the tears come. It hurts that i loved you. I cry from my heart at how stupid i've been. My soul feels burdened by pain. My body feels like lead.
              
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Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. I really fucking hate it. Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol.9: The Kindly Ones